Wormhole tours, objects that won’t sit still, and other ancillary nonsense*
*Serving the East Rand and several adjacent realities. Use the side gate; the dog is bitey.
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Welcome. Watch your step; the ground here is indecisive. Warp Store is an online outlet for things that shouldn’t be here, but are. We sell a rotating selection of domestic clutter, suspicious art, and ‘unfixed’ documents retrieved from a geological rupture in the East Rand.
Because the warp is—to be frank—a bit of a nightmare, our stock behaves badly. We are dealing with objects in various states of transition. Sometimes an item is a toaster; sometimes it is merely the intent of a toaster.
Access to the site behaves like a lung: it expands, it contracts, it holds its breath. This means we only have what we have until it decides to be somewhere else. If you see something you like, buy it now. By tomorrow, it might have reverted to a pile of warm sand, a very specific shade of blue, or a 1:50 scale model of itself.
Currently operating out of a garage in Benoni. No, you can’t come over. The dog is bitey and the floor is technically a suggestion.
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In August 1988, a perfectly lovely house in Benoni fell into the earth. The neighbours blamed the old gold mines; the municipality blamed "unstable conditions." They were both right, but they were also missing the point.
It turns out the ground didn’t just collapse—it gave up. Beneath the rubble, the world stopped making sense. It’s a shifting mess of passages leading to different times, different Jo’burgs, and states of reality that refuse to settle.
WARP CORP LLC (along with the Office of Continuity and the Parish of Warp) was formed to manage the site and retrieve what could be saved. We’ve stopped trying to map it; it’s like trying to staple jelly to a wall. We just go in, grab what looks interesting, and try to get back before the exits move.
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The Benoni Sun, 24/08/1988
Site Survey Photograph* (Uncredited), c. Late 1988
Wagener, F.V.M., Day, P.W. Construction on dolomite in South Africa. Environmental Geological Water Science 8, 83–89 (1986). https://doi.org/10.1007/BF02525561
*Property of Warp Corp. If you’ve printed this out, please put it back where you found it. We only have the one copy.
Recent Findings (Batch #04)
The following items have been cleared for possession by the Office of Continuity. Each object comes with a certificate of existence. No refunds for historical shifts.
Supervised tours to the Benoni Site featuring a fifty-one-page waiver and a complimentary lingering smell of 1980s floor wax.
Tour #233
The Kelvinator Vertical Drop
A fully tethered, gravity-assisted descent into the primary kitchen rift. You will be lowered behind the original 1988 fridge-freezer to observe the sub-floor ‘flicker’ and the suspended molecular remains of a Sunday roast.
Duration: 12 minutes (Standard) / 4 years (Biological)
Next Date: 21 August 2026 (Subject to gravitational heave)
Tour #308
The Driveway Perimeter Walk
A low-impact walking tour for those who wish to observe the anomaly without leaving the current timeline. Follow the guide along the property boundary to witness the ‘fence-hum’ and the visual distortion of the neighbour’s 1994 Toyota Corolla.
Duration: Until the gate stops vibrating (Approx. 18 mins)
Next Date: The third Tuesday after the next ‘flicker’
Tour #826
The Static Immersion
A stationary, sensory experience. Guests are seated in the ‘flicker zone’ to observe a collision of short-wave radio static, distorted 80s weather reports, and the rhythmic, industrial thud of a washing machine that has been stuck mid-cycle since the 2024 Breach.
Duration: Three cycles of the 'Delicates' setting
Next Date: 15 November 2026 (Or whenever the signal clears)
Frequently asked questions
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Yes. However, items must be returned in their original reality-state. If your specimen has significantly changed mass, colour, or historical significance since delivery, the Office of Continuity will reject the return.
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Following the 2023 Benoni Breach, inventory was relocated for stabilisation. The Atlantic climate reduces ‘object-flicker,’ and the Irish postal service is significantly more reliable than local rifts.
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For logistics (shipping/tracking), use the link below. For metaphysical issues (vibrating tea towels, whispering objects, or temporal loops), leave a message on our Benoni landline. We will respond once the signal clears.
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A common side-effect of high-velocity extraction. The scent is harmless. It will dissipate within 3–5 business days, or once the object accepts its new timeline.
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Retrieval difficulty. If a teaspoon costs £40, a technician likely spent four hours in a cold crawlspace waiting for it to stop vibrating long enough to be grabbed.
Remote contact
The site office is currently unstaffed. To listen to the current status of the landline and leave a spectral message, please depress the play toggle on the recording device.
Note: If you hear a high-pitched whine, that is simply the timeline rubbing against the copper wires. It is harmless unless you are wearing a pacemaker or carrying loose change.
URGENT: If you are calling from the year 1994, please hang up. We already know about the Corolla. We are working on it.
Contact Us
office@warpstore.info
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Warp Store is a subsidiary of TRANS-PROVINCIAL AMALGAMATED HOLDINGS LLC
Warp Store is a wholly-owned subsidiary of Trans-Provincial Amalgamated Holdings LLC. All temporal logistics, hardware tethering, and driveway maintenance are governed by the TPAH Central Board (1988 Charter).
Sector 4, Proxy, Ireland. All rifts currently monitored. Copyright © 1988, 2025, and 2042.